Aah morning missed meeting with ayleen.
Got to school feeling so sick.

After school went up to lab straight.
Homework-ed and practices again.
Even mr lee was kinda freaked out by the rate I was moving.

CCA was okay,
In the sense that I feel rather accomplished lecturing the sec 2s today.
Mental resistance still rather low.
But I trust them.

It felt so awful to miss the tution class because of the drag the CCA took.





I'm so messed up.
I think I'm going to throw up sooner or later.
If the fatigue of stress doesn't get out of me.


You know what.
I tried.
You didn't.
So why should I?

It's not as if this was the first time.
I felt unable to tolerate being so left out and fucked up about all these and not being able to tell you.

Seemed you didn't notice either anyway.
And I don't know whether it was intentional,
But you missed me out too much to count.

Friends let alone pals do that.
And still you want me to think that we're still as tight as we used to be?

Like the promise.

So when you thought that I shouldn't be acting this way,
Please think whether I did it because I cared or because I was just pissed.

Don't give me false hope anymore.
If you want to leave, or are already leaving,
Just leave.


Unless you can prove me wrong.
Unless you can show me that.
Unless you can take away my insecurity.
Unless you can stop the rain.

&don't tell me you're tired.
I feel so much more tired than you.
I'd rather you stay quiet the way you always do.

Today,
School as usual.
Bballing till it rained.
Super cold all the way to and from jurong point to home.


We are falling apart.
And I feel really perturbed by this.

Considering the facts that by ignoring you,
You aren't tied down anymore.
And perhaps I can get myself more engrossed in my revision.

Is this really the way ,
'Cos I don't seems to be much happier.
But it's okay because I don't expect you to understand.
& I don't want you to understand either.

I'm holding on by letting go of you.


PICTURES ,

Today?

Hmm.
School,
Home,
Study group,
Home.

CHEN JINGWEN YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DOTA-ING AND SHOULD STUDY HARD FOR YOUR AMATHS DIAGNOSTIC TEST TMR.


Why can I be so optimistic on the outside,
And so fragile on the inside.
End of chapter 1 & 15-


Chinese is so horrible.
Don't know why she seemed to be able to suppress the stupidity of this mother language.
*Smile smile*

Am happy you had your fun today.
Being committed to so many things can be so exhausting.
Don't worry I won't be bothering you much anymore.

Hmm maybe I shouldn't be acting like this ,
Turned my back on you and leave .

How do I breathe without you here by my side ~

Three memos of the day,

School.
Sakae Sushi-ed.
Home.

Yeah perhaps that's what I'll just write about each day.


Then I'll head off to cramming my mind with homework and text from my notes.
Aah another day spent ,
No more coordination.

Oh and I realised.
No more photo blogging?
Haah you'll see as we go on.

I'm not exactly friendly today.
&& New sitting arrangements ,
No difference.

Death Note 2-ed.
Didn't wanna go in the first place.
But who cares ,
'Cos L & Misa made it all worthwhile.

I shall just keep looking forward.
No use trying so hard being in such a foul mood.

I'm still very pissed at him.

When is he going to understand that everything he's doing now,
Is so different from his intentions from the start.


Oh well today's schedule's unplanned.
Watch match of anderson v.s jurong?
Go bballing with gary and peeps?
Go studying & swimming?
Or just stay home and rot?

I have absolutely no idea.


Much on my mind,
Don't feel like caring anymore.

Slowly letting go.

dEDITIN 11.22PM

End of chapter one .

Just like I've predicted,
Gradually we'll have nothing to say.
Take so much out of me to pretend.
& My inside just swallowed me up.

Not hanging on anymore.
Full of insecurity ,
You don't seemed to care nor help.


Very lost,
Very shitty,
Very gone.


This is the worst feeling ever, making me all weak and helpless.

I woke up from a nap after the exhausting cca display,
just to feel so used and disappointed.

What is this.
I gave you time and you gave me this.

And I didn't feel appreciated at all.



It was as if.
As things starts to get blurry,
Others were there.

&I didn't exist after all.
Even when I found myself struggling to keep things undetached.


What the heck with promise breakers and liars ,
I don't even know a single fucking shit what's going on.

Have ran out of words .

Screamed it all out and slam the door.
Why is all these happening,

Wanna escape and leave all these insanity.


I don't know why I just don't feel like a part of you.


dEDITIN 11.12PM,

Aah finished all bio quizzes with loads of exhaustment.
Tomorrow's CCA Display ; have to get my priorities right.
Shake those thoughts out of my head to just try being right for a day.

& CAN YOU ALL STOP IT.

You who still ignores.
You who won't smile no matter.
You who won't tell.
You who found me easy to rant on.
You who pretends.
You who doesn't pretend.

Me who just started to loath however hard I tried to be there ,
&be helpless or just get pushed away.
And pulled back, and pushed away again.

What a day.
Didn't bring the black papers and photograph.
Tomorrow's new sitting arrangement.
OH WELL.

Took pay and subway-ed at vivo!
Pacing through the nightlights blasting music in my ears ,



She didn't looked as forthcoming as I thought she would be.
Maybe it was a hassle from the start.
Wanna go away.

I'm holding on by letting go of you .

Starting to feel offended.
Not anyone in particular.

Finally got what I've wanted.
Invisible,
You're always there.
Mucus's on you ,

Today started off badly.
With those lectures and briefings.
Made me get reminded of being OHSOSICK of today in the first place.
But it turned out well in the end.

What a day.
Off to start researching answers for bio quiz .



Never felt so estrangled before.
Things are certainly moving so fast,
That I've never knew that it was gone at all.

Why didn't you believe us .

I'm not blaming you.

I was the cause for trying too much.
Like the maximum curve.
Soon it would be just like when it first started.

dEDITIN 2.34AM
Don't grasp what you perceived it to not be.
Rejoice.
For it's a brand new year.

You know we don't want it to turn out like this.

Yet fears, cowers,
Just like that nightmare with limitless stairs.
Running all the way up to nowhere..
2nd floor.. and the 3rd.. the 4th..
Away from everything that is happening.

A part of that subconscicious mind filled with resentment.
The other waiting for an opportunity to leave forever.

No one for guidance.
No one for assistance.
No one there for support.
Like half of the world knows but not doing anything to help.

What nostalgic thoughts.
They aren't happening.

But I'm glad that you're back.
Unharmed.

dEDITIN 7.13PM
Where's that hug ,

Break into two.

dEDITIN 9:05PM
Haircut.a
Nailscut.a
Reportbook packed.a
Stationaries packed.a
Books packed.a
Homework done.a
Pocket money taken.a
Uniform ironed.a
All geared up for tomorrow.


Unlike others, not keen at all to return to school.
Why am I getting this hunch that everything is getting so awfully wrong and fast ,
It's this anxiety of facing them like normal, like nothing happened,
That I feel so nauseas and exhausted all of a sudden.



Those tears,
Were all miserably shedded.
Those eyes,
Were all uncomfortably swollen.
Those hands,
Were all tightly clenched.
Those fears,
Were all devouring light.

And that piece of heart,
Was gradually disappearing,
Erasing it's existence.

That boy,
Crying uncontrollably,
Feeling that something is already lost.
Knowing that nothing can be more fucking wrong than now.

shawn .

dEDITIN 11.26PM
Tomorrow will fine, don't worry.
And you are wrong ,
To say that time measures everything.

If you really believe so.
Then there shouldn't be any time limit at all.

I FINALLY HAVE HAD LPS SLEEPVER AT CHERYL'S .

Haha kenneth's so hilarious can.
Am happy to see everyone enjoyed.
Jolin took my jacket so I had to wrap the mattress around me.
And admire jingwen for not sleeping a bit for the whole day.

Herman owned the nice nice cushion whatthehell.
And I don't like her that much.

OOH OOH HYPER US SANG ALL THE WAY TILL COUNTDOWN WO0TS.
Nice imitation of say goodbye by me and fiza eh?
"I wanna fuck you.. " LOL.
Entertainment for you guys leh so please ah don't complain.

I'd have to admit that fort manor is indeed a good band.
I mean getting like 2 songs in the 987 PERFECT TEN countdown,
And best concert and stuff.

Haha overally I love this countdown we have had.
Just so surprised expected more people.
But us is just enough anyway.

LPS 6AB`o3 LOVE.

Although I've said I didn't wanna think about it for the day,
Crossed arms ; sat at the corner blasting my mp3 ,
Pondering and pondering.


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