Well since this is the place I killed myself before, I shall do it again.
Friendship and Loneliness. Everything always turned out so wrong. I feel so inferior again. Maybe it's because of the resurfacing affilations I spotted from blogs to blogs and via MSN. One is a group who called themselves "LamerZ". They have had a reunion the day before. And it's making me weak. The things they do, I yearn to do. So fun making my life seeming so pointless.
Another is "Qat[S] ". I'm hating them without me. They seemed to have so much fun without me. And I'm starting to lose confidence in Aarthi. The way I communicate with her when she's online, it felt so empty. Maybe it's because Qats never had the same bond as LamerZ, where there's no restrictions. I'll come clean. I've never felt anything being with them. They don't seemed to care. Although they said they do. Yeah but action speaks more than words. Its easy to believe this group is collapsing. Maybe it shouldn't have had existed in the first place. Look at what I've now. Nothing at all.
Ignorance.I'm hating this. It's coming back to haunt me. Friends like Lok, Aarthi, Amelia; I'm losing my touch with them. And it had already began to lone me. Everyday I see them, but something that I can't explain pulls me back, and disallowed me to talk to them. And when I do speak, I wasn't heard, which was practically hurtful and annoying.
"existence proven(: _bLu3b0i sHaWn*". It states my blog now. But its nothing of it. I've realised that one side of me is merely pretending that I'm existing and being happy, whereas the other side is trying to yank up all these illusions. And the optimistic side is currently walking away, as represented as the "angel" theme of my blog.
My wings are broken. And they wouldn't heal. Even with family by my side. I do apprehend the care and love they contributes. But it just ain helping much. I would be blankly envying other people from a distance, each time adding in some jealousy and pain.
"Care and Concern".And I wonder if they ever did. As always. Pretending to be. People around me. I've already started losing confidence in them. Security is no more. I'll be huddling in a corner. Alone. In the darkness. No one by my side. Nope.
Did I do something wrong? Why is my purpose of life so incomplete? Why is there still some inferiority? A discussion with Jieting about being insulted in school only made things worse. Although I did told her I felt okay. No it was not.
I am jealous. So jealous of everyone around me. They can have everything they have. They can be hanging out with reliable friends, when all I can do is stay at home and know of the fun they had from them. And pretending to be happy for them. But all I've wanted is to really have a friend I have. Someone who doesn't back off when I'm in trouble. Someone whom I can communicate with so easily. Someone whom we can hug and call each other names and don't mind abit.
I guess I'm ending my statement. Tears shall continue the rest of this misery.
A sparrow without wings.
Envying others from its nest.
Helplessly awaiting joy to arrive.
As he sprung to fly,
A sparrow without wings,
Is like a person without tears.
Not able to cry.
Not able to laugh.
Not able to scream.
As the sparrow hit the ground,
His life flashes before him,
particularly nothing.
Nothing is his life.
Without joy, without pain, without sorrow.
Just a soul being locked up.
And now he is free.
As he roamed for happiness, misery, anger.
He has everything now.
_shawn.
