9thJuly. This is a day I never knew.

It was supposed to be a celebration at Marina. A celebration for turning a year older. However it was hardly what it was planned to be.

Was awaiting to this big fest-out. Sadly, my cousins never really did made the dinner into their schedules. Instead, we're invited to their house. I thought we will be celebrating there instead.

Parents reached home from work. And mom definitely don't sound the way she spoke to me on the phone:

"Sorry that your cousins can't make it for today's dinner."
"It's okay. We can go to their house instead if that's what you want."
"Yeah. Let's just buy a cake and celebrate tomorrow."

She never knew how disappointed I was.

And when she's back:

"I thought you ought to be dressed by now? You know we should be hurrying. The others are there already."

That didn't helped.

I was scolded a few times in the taxi. Mom was telling me about the whole keeping it soft- listening to mp3 stuff. Was quite pissed. In fact during the trip, she reprimanded me quite a few times. And when we reached, as usual the adults played mahjiong and the kids do their own stuff.

No one noticed.

As we left, no one ever said anything about my birthday. My aunt did stared at me once or twice.
We walked down the long road to the main one to catch a taxi. During the journey, my dad wished me happy birthday:

"Shawn happy birthday ah?"
"45 minutes to go."
He scowned, and muttered "Like it matters."

Why do they have to claim that they care? I don't get it.

We caught a taxi at the opposite side. We crossed the road, and I went in from the side of the taxi that was facing the road instead of the pavewalk.

"Why did you do that. You know that was dangerous." Stern was the only word to describe my mom. About a few minutes to my birthday and she wouldn't care if it was passed peacefully or not. I remained silent and blasted my mp3.

After a traffic light stop, the driver suddenly went driving fast. The song playing was Because of You. Then, thoughts filled my mind. My head is telling me to open the door and get run by the cars. The papers next day will read: "YOUNG TEEN KILLED A FEW MINUTES BEFORE BIRTHDAY". And I was thinking. Wouldn't it get all the attention that I wanted? But then, my fingers went pushing the lock. I knew that it was all so stupid.

Why is this year so terrible. The whole taxi journey was silent. But my head was all full of music and sorrows. Wondering the purpose of living. And resisting all the thoughts about killing myself before my birthday. Stared at my phone a few times. "38 minutes to go.. 37.... 36."

Reached and went into my room. On the aircon and then went to the living room. Decided to rest and watch some tv. Mom scolded again.

"Why are you watching TV so late??! Go sleep now!"
"..............."
"Go sleep now. I don't want you to get late tomorrow morning."

She didn't even bother to ask how I felt.

I went into my room, got dressed and off the lights. I jumped into my pillow and cry. Yeah it wasn't a loud one, and every moment I will try to wipe those tears that wouldn't stop flowing from my eyes. I cried and cried.

12am. Finally. There wasn't even any magic. You know like suddenly you'll feel you're one year older. No there wasn't. But I should be happy. Although I was waiting for it, but came out wrong.

Happy 15th birthday to me Shawn.


Last year was better.