SPOILERS: THIS MIGHT BE AN EMO POST. Labels: tanntheheart
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I can't sleep well these days. In fact, in bed, I might had tossed & turned till the early dawns & still don't get a least drowsy.
It's killing me.
I had stopped trying to convey my feelings with words & things like that for too long, that I feel like I'm suffocating; it seemed like I'm drowning in further & further.
So deep that I feel that I can't swim back up again.
My mind wandered off to how unsmooth actually, my life has been for the past sixteen years. Compared to others, I feel that my childhood is already quite destroyed.
My life as a kid wasn't so good being labeled as a destructo. Hell yeah, I always get into trouble breaking stuff at people's homes, or else just conspiracing things I thought would be fun for me & my cousins, that I always get beatings & insults for. I'm not proud of who I am back then either.
& yet, though my primary school was thought to be quite, well passed by others, frankly it wasn't. I had troubles often.
I had an encounter with my primary 3 form teacher which caused her to leave the school, notably perhaps Mrs Ang, & I'm still guilty for that.
In primary 4, I made Ms Ma, get angry at me for doing crosswords in her lessons, to which she responded by throwing it away.
In primary 5, I was irresponsible enough to make Ms Seet make me sit like near to the door & very noticable by many. It was quite embarrasing, for how long it lasted.
For secondary one & two, my life miserably passed with mostly bad experiences. I was disgusted, regretful & hated being in jurong secondary school. Moving on to secondary three, it was also like a rollercoaster, all the way to graduation this year.
So there goes my education.
For my family side, I know mom had always been encouraging. But soon, I grew to drift apart, to the state of having arguements which have no meanings. I made mom at one time waited for me whilst I walk back home with a dead phone in the middle of the night. She cried yeah. & I fell out with my dad more frequently, till now I don't even talk to him no more.
I also treated my sisters badly, but I don't know why. I think it was because I had to find somewhere to let out my anger, & conveniently, they were there when I was at the peak of my rage. & then caused me & them to become quite distant, which I overheard them saying that they're somesort scared of me on some occasions.
I am very lost. Throughout my life, I keep picking up stuff that never lasted. At some point, jiameng (which I am very sorry but I don't know how to talk to you anymore ever since we moved on), percival, qingquan&tanya, jingwen, amelia & mervin as well. Not to mention my classmates both in primary & secondary schools.
I wished I just had a companion that I can open up to, like to keep my feelings in balance. To remind me to be a better person. To make me feel important & that I had a purpose in life to live. To make me feel that I can sleep soundly at night without seldomly tearing and stuff.
I feel that I should end here. There's nothing more that I want to reflect. Though I wished to tell others as well that I take equal treatments seriously. And due to this, I perhaps had developed some grudges & hatred to people I once thought was nice.
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It's very annoying that when you're playing on your psp & it reaches a climax to hang. -.-
Technically the day before, chocolate was brought over because wendy had to go shopping. I had a lot of fun with the silly & noticeably big dog now.
He was so jumpy & stuff like that. Still carrying the adorable actions & stuff that made me love him. Hahaha I chased him all around the house & he chased me back till I sweat like hell. A sad thing that he had to go.
So well yesterday I went to tania's place. 4 psps, 2 computers, 1 xbox & 1 nintendo ds were there, so don't get me started on fun. Though I missed dinner but it's okay.
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I'm officially & happily jobless now, with no intentions of finding a job. Okay but this will be nuts because I'm living off the remainder of salaries from before. Suckworzz I need to find another job soon. Bukit timah area catering maybe.
